Late Nights, Deep Thinking
by Anifantwist
Summary: RyousukeTakumi. Ryousuke, Keisuke and Takumi all write journals about their hidden thoughts. Yaoi. No flames please.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This story just bugged me. Let me know what you all think. It's shounen ai. Don't like it, don't read it. Ryousuke/Takumi. Enjoy! Tell me if you think I should make more chapters or if I sould just leave it alone.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Just borrowing the characters.

**Late Nights, Deep Thinking**

_Where did everything go wrong? When did everything change? I remember when I first saw the hachi-roku. It was when I was watching my brother first race on Akina. Everyone had placed their bets on his winning. Then he came._

_When I first watched the hachi-roku drive up to the starting line, I could tell. This was one hell of a driver. Drivers have aura's around them as they drive. This one emitted a huge aura, one bigger than my brother. I knew from that second that my brother would lose. Oh, my conscious thought hadn't been aware of this yet but I unconsciously knew how it would all turn out._

Takahashi Ryousuke stopped typing for a second to smooth back his short jet black hair. He frowned as he looked at the computer screen. He was suffering from insomnia and, in a moment of boredom, decided to write what he was thinking about.

Of course his thoughts were of the hachi-roku driver named Fujiwara Takumi, the amazing downhill specialist Ryousuke had chosen to be on his Project D team. His thoughts these days seemed a bit centered on the young driver. Whenever he would have time to think, his thoughts always wondered to Fujiwara.

He rounded out his shoulders and steepled his fingers before turning back to the computer to write again.

_As I watched this young racer drive, it was like watching someone with a toy. He grew right in front of my eyes. Race by race he got better each time and surpassed my original theories about him. He was unknowingly destroying my theories._

_He's sort of like my little brother. He has the driving instinct that one needs to be a great driver. If one doesn't have that instinct then it would be very hard and very dangerous for one to reach the title of great. But they both have that instinct. It's probably saved him more times than actual thinking has._

_I ought to thank him sometime. Thanks to him, my brother found a rival. Other than me that is. I seem to be his goal still but, I can see that distance closing fast and it's all thanks to Fujiwara Takumi. If he had never shown up than my brother would never have grown as much as he has. _

_My brother will never be able to take me seriously. Even though I'm his goal, I'm still his brother. To him, I'm an unbeatable being. If he can't get into a winning mentality, he's already lost before he's even began. That's what has happened to him. He just can't get into the winning situation. He may deny it but I know._

_So, thanks to Fujiwara, I now have two amazing racers driving fast up to my tail. But, that's not all._

Ryousuke tapped the keys lightly, thinking of how to put this. Should he? If he wrote it down on his computer then it will be real. Does he really want it to be real?

He leaned back in his chair, uncrossing than crossing his other leg. This was the main reason why he hadn't done anything as of yet. He wasn't sure.

He glanced at the clock and frowned. It was two in the morning on a Tuesday. He should be in bed. He mentally checked over his body, sighing lightly when he felt himself wide awake. There was nothing he could do but to keep writing. He poised his fingers over the keyboard, ready to get back to typing.

_I'll admit that I was impressed with his driving skills at first. Everyone was impressed so I'm not going to say that I was the exception. I can almost tell you when the first time was when that impression turned into something more._

_Yes, you heard me. Something more. I'll admit it right now that I was attracted by Fujiwara's looks in the beginning. He's not a bad looking guy. His short brown hair and chocolate eyes look so good on him. But, I'm getting way too ahead of myself._

_Yes, I'm infatuated with another man. I have never told my younger brother about this dark side of me and, hopefully, he will never find out. My brother thinks the world of me, I know that. But, if he knew about this side of me, he'd never let me live it down. That's right. Takahashi Ryousuke, number one driver in Japan, is afraid. All because of my preference._

_If anyone knew, other than those that already know, they would laugh. Actually, I've been laughed at before by my previous boyfriends. They think it's rather ironic that I have whole galleries full of women throwing themselves at my feet and I prefer men. I can never seem to live that one down either._

_I've had many boyfriends before, just as I've had many girlfriends. The girlfriends made me turn to men because of their selfishness, pettiness and thoughtlessness. I found being with other men as refreshing, invigorating and, amazingly, free. _

_So what was it that made my past boyfriends ex's? Many of them didn't like cars as much as I did. Those boyfriends felt cheated on and ignored. They couldn't take my passion for cars. The ones who were racers, our wills rubbed the wrong way. There's one thing to be said about a racer and that's their strong wills. I know I have one too._

_Matsumoto was one of my ex-boyfriends. That relationship seemed to be going decently but then I lost interest in him. And he knew it. He told me later that he could watch the interest fly out the window of my car. We broke up mutually and with no hard feelings but he said he'd never forget what we once had. I trust Matsumoto with nearly anything and that's why he's the teams' manager._

_Most of the other guys were at some point in time my ex-boyfriends. They either lost my interest or they got tired with having to compete with my car. So it's not like they all ended horribly._

_Now back to the subject of this entire thing. Fujiwara Takumi. Fujiwara is special. I could feel it right at the start. It was like lightning striking me from the sky. I knew he was different. He's easy going for one thing. _

_It's amazing how easy going he is. At first, he seemed kind of dumb like I could hit him with my beloved FC and it not faze him. But, as time progressed, I noticed him changing. It wasn't fast like his driving skills but slowly. One wouldn't notice it if they weren't paying attention to it closely. But I can tell._

_I know one thing absolutely certain, I have never felt like this with anyone, man or woman. I really don't know when it changed into obsession and love but, I'm not at all unhappy that it did. I wasn't supposed to feel this way about anyone. After Matsumoto, I'd promised myself that I would stop with the whole relationship thing. It was getting too annoying. Then, without warning, he showed up. Needless to say, that theory also lay in ruin._

_I created Project D solely for him. A tiny bit for my brother as well but, mostly for him. I wanted, no, I needed him near me. I needed to teach him, see him, be with him. I found that, very soon, he became my reason for living. I would never show it to him, not in a million years. That's just not like me. I'm cool… collected. I'm reserved and untouchable. Very few have ignored the untouchable and touched but it's still there for the majority of the population._

_He can't know that, inside, I'm burning for him. No, I'll remain the way I am because, if I ever told him anything, I would lose his friendship and that I cannot bear. There are two things in this world that I live for: my FC and Fujiwara Takumi. That's just how things worked out._

Ryousuke yawned. Good timing. It was time for bed. He quickly named the document and placed it in a hidden folder. If his brother ever did manage to break into his computer, he'd never know that file was even there. No use in being lazy when his heart was on the line with that document.

He frowned at the computer. He felt refreshed now that he'd written that out. If he was lucky, Fujiwara would never find out about any of this. That was his hope. If Fujiwara ever found out…

He turned on his heel, made for the light and flipped it off.


	2. Boring Night, Leading Suspicions

A/N: I have to thank my reviewers: **Z**, **amekan**, **strawberry buttercup**, and **Omochao Pururu **for their AWESOME reviews. –bows- arigato gozaimasu! Here's the second chapter that was running through my head. I hope you all like it.

Just so everyone knows, this chapter hasn't been beta read yet so there will be a lot of grammatical errors. I'm sorry. My beta reader is a little bit busy right now. But it will get fixed… sometime.

This is Keisuke's POV. If he seems a little OOC, blame my muse. It's all their fault! I just know it!

Disclaimer: Initial D is not mine nor ever will be. I am just borrowing the characters for my own personal enjoyment. Sorry for the interruption, now back to the show…

**Boring Night, Leading Suspicions**

_Here I am, at the computer, doing what my brother suggested. I'm writing a journal. Why? There's a good question. The entire reason why is because I'm bored. Yes, bored. My brother has held off the racing for a week, claiming that we need a break. I know the real reason, though. He needs a break worse than us._

_My brother is amazing, in his driving skills and everywhere else. It's like he was born to excel at whatever he does. He's balancing medical school and this racing project of his. Sometimes I wonder if he's even human. My brother is our parents pride and joy. He lives in their spotlight, day and night. Most of the times I'm fine with that but, other times, I'm a bit envious._

_Yes, I will admit it here if no other place. I am envious of my brother. He has everything he could ever dream for. He has this project, which is his baby, and he has a goal, which is his medical school. I have neither. This project was his to begin with. I take very little part. I'm not complaining but, sometimes, I wish I were a bigger part of my brothers' plans._

_I've been thinking about this for a while now but I don't think I was the reason this team was put together. I don't have any solid proof. It's just a feeling. It's small and nearly unnoticeable but it's still there. I've been noticing it a lot more lately. The first time I noticed something out of place was the time my brother chose Fujiwara to drive over me. He explained later why he did so but there's something he's kept hidden._

_I get that feeling every time I'm around him. That he's hiding something. Yet again, I don't have any proof. That's why dealing with my brother is sometimes tricky. I can't get any proof that anything is off._

_But, this is why I am envious. My brother is perfect._

As he typed in that word, Keisuke halted, hesitant. Perfect was never the right word to use. No one was perfect, no machine was perfect. So, why did he use that word now to describe his brother?

Maybe because his brother seemed too perfect. Perhaps that's what feels so off about him. Keisuke toyed with the idea. He wasn't really very good at thinking too hard. Those things just didn't come naturally for him. Just as typing on a computer wasn't natural to him like it was to his brother.

He sighed, glaring at the clock. There ought to be something other than this stupid journal to do. But there wasn't so he continued his writing.

_I'm the totally opposite of my brother. I used to be in a gang once, for example. I've always been the wild child compared to my brother. Whenever my parents lean on having me go one way, I go the total opposite just to spite them. Call me rebellious or whatever but that's the way I do things._

_Our parents finally gave up a while ago, thankfully. They charged my brother with my well-keeping. I'm a little irritated at the way they put it but, they couldn't have chosen a better option. My brother is the only one I look up to. He's the only one who could ever command my attention. One day he walked boldly into my gang, pulled me out and plopped me into the seat of FD. I will never forget that day because it changed my life so drastically._

_The feeling of my FD was an instant bond. I knew I had to have it the second my brother sat me down in it. It was just like I knew in that instance that my life was about to change… for the better. If you call chasing after an old hachi-roku as 'for the better' that is. I can't really say that my life totally changed until that fateful day on the slopes of Akina. After that, it was all downhill for me._

Keisuke paused in his typing. How did this get to be autobiography of him? He rubbed the back of his neck. He looked around the mess he called his room. His brother always got onto him about keeping his room organized. He always told his brother that it was organized… to him.

Oh well, might as well keep going.

_I seriously thought the only person who could beat me was my brother. How naïve I was. For an ex-gang member, I was pretty immature. Fujiwara sure showed me up and then some. Here was this young kid, never been in a race before in his life, trying to take me on. Then, miraculously, not only does he beat me but he goes on to beat my brother whom I had always seen as indestructible._

_To say I had found my life long rival was a major understatement. But, on the other hand, I think I also found a life long friend as well. I wouldn't ever, EVER tell Fujiwara that I consider him my friend. It's a strange relationship we have. I feel like we're destined to make it big._

_It sounds weird and all but that's the way I feel. I told Fujiwara way back when he was told about Project D that I was aiming for the pros. I asked him if he was coming with me. I didn't stay around to hear his answer; I don't think he was ready at that point to say for sure that he'd be coming with me. I still don't know the answer to the question I asked him. Fujiwara is like stone when it comes to showing his emotions. But, he accepted the offer to be in Project D. That was a huge step for him and a huge victory for my brother and me._

_Here's the part where I get confused. I have the feeling that this whole project was made specifically for Fujiwara. I know it sounds insane but I can't shake this feeling. Maybe it's the special attention my brother gives to him. He specifically set the main mechanic onto Fujiwara's hachi-roku. I don't really feel too upset about that but it was a little bothersome. I guess I just expected my brother to put the lead mechanic on my car. Another point for my immaturity._

_My brother doesn't usually give out praises. When he does, though, they're far and few between. But, it seems in Fujiwara's case, I've heard my brother give out more praises than he ever has with me. That's a little agitating to me. I've yet to hear my brother truly praise me for something I've done. He did sort of when I raced the other FD but it was nothing big. It wasn't like the praises and the smiles Fujiwara gets. I'm not ranting! There's no way I'm ranting…_

Keisuke paused in his typing to take a deep breath. Maybe this journal thing was a lot heavier than he thought. When he felt in control of himself again, he moved on.

_The other thing I've been observing have been the looks my brother gives to Fujiwara. Normal people wouldn't notice but, he's my brother. I would notice. There's just something there that I can't read. I can usually interpret my brothers' expressions but these one are alluding me. There's something in them that nags at the back of my head but, the more I think about it, the harder it is to grasp. If only I had something…_

_But, that's not important. I've been observing Fujiwara and all his battles. To say I'm obsessed with the guy may not be too far from the truth. But I'm starting to see why my brother chose Fujiwara out of dozens of Road Racers. There were Racers better than Fujiwara by a long shot when we first took him in. The Todo School would be a great example. I always wondered why my brother didn't choose someone from that prestigious school. Looking back, I could see several promising students. More promising than a sleepy looking, block-headed teen. _

_As time went on, I began noticing that, whenever Fujiwara drives, he has a way of changing things. If he went into a battle the underdog, for example the time when he went up against the pro, he grew right in the middle of the battle. I once asked my brother about this and he told me that he called it Fujiwara's X Variable. He told me that he includes this variable in all his theories or everything would be off. As he was explaining this to me, I saw that something in his eyes stronger than I've ever seen it before. I was so close to catching that elusive thought that I thought I won. But then his expression changed and the elusive thought disappeared. But it was because of this X Variable that my brother saw endless amounts of potential._

Keisuke glanced at the clock, noticing it was time for bed. He yawned heavily. He decided it was time to wrap things up.

_So now I'm here at the present day, present time and it's time for me to go to bed. Perhaps tomorrow will yield the answers I'm looking for._

Keisuke labeled the document, carefully putting it into a place where his brother, hopefully, won't find it. After doing so, he proceeded to close his laptop. He stretched back into his chair thinking. Perhaps his brother knew more about this journal thing than he gave him credit for. Getting that entire thing out onto the computer sure made him feel better.

He drummed his fingers lightly on his armchair. In fact, he'd say his brother looked far too experienced to not have done it himself. Perhaps it was time to call in a couple of debts he acquired in his gang.

He drummed his fingers one last time and got up. He quickly got ready for bed. No use thinking about things if they can't be done until tomorrow. Yes, he'd start getting this race going tomorrow. He glanced over in the direction of his brothers' room. _Aniki, everything starts tomorrow._

He hit the light switch.


	3. Confusing Night, Increasing Questions

A/N: Ok, here by popular demand. Takumi's thoughts. I can't thank you all enough for your wonderful reviews. They keep me and this story going. I think next chapter I'm going with an actual story. We'll see. Kind of the same as before. Lots of grammatical errors. Blame my muse not me. None of this is my fault. I think you might get to see some hints of Takumi/Ryousuke if you squint hard enough. But that's about all the warnings there are for this chapter. Have fun.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Nada. Just borrowing the characters for my own evil thoughts.

**Confusing Nights, Increasing Questions**

_Itsuki told me to write this so I'm taking his advice. It's the middle of the night and I have nothing better to do. I usually go down and visit the GS where I previously worked. My best friend, Itsuki, and my sempai Ikitani both still work there. They enjoy it but I never would have. It was too boring. I like moving around._

_Back to Itsuke. He told me earlier today that it was the rage to write journals now. He said a friend of Kenji-sempai's got a girl because he told her he wrote a journal. Now everyone's doing it. I don't really care either way. I wouldn't do it except I really have nothing to do. The GS is closed and it's a weekday night. The only thing to do is the deliveries and they take place at two in the morning._

_I guess the other reason I'm writing this is because I'm confused with how my life is going. I'm 19 years old with a job and I'm relationship free. As the manager of the GS place once said 'it's a shame to be this young with no attachments' or something like that. _

_I guess lately I've been thinking more about Mogi and how she's doing. She used to be my girlfriend until things happened. When we last parted it was mutual and she went to college in Tokyo. I'm happy for her. She sends me letters every once and a long while and it sounds like she's having a lot of fun._

Fujiwara Takumi put down his pen and sat up in bed. He reached over to his nightstand, grabbing the picture he kept there. It was of the time him and Mogi went to the beach. She had some tourists take a picture of them. Mogi was beaming a smile while he looked away. He gently put the picture back on the table. Then, after a moment of thought, he picked it up again and placed it in the drawer.

He picked up his pen and kept writing.

_I just received a letter from her today. That's where my confusion begins. She wrote to me that she found a really nice guy. I guess they're in some of the same classes or something. But she wrote that she felt blown away by him. She apologized profusely to me saying she never even thought that could happen. I don't really mind. I figured something like that would happen. I read somewhere that it was nearly a guarantee that long distant relationships never really work. But I'm still confused._

_I thought I'd be more hurt over this information than I am. Do I feel anything for her? Did I ever feel anything for her or was that all just a dream? How will I know when it's not a dream? These questions are plaguing me. If I don't have Mogi than who do I have? What do I have?_

_I suppose I have the team. That's supposed to be good enough. That brings me to my second confusion. This team turned out to be totally different than it started out being. I guess it's a good thing. I started out with the mindset that I was going to get better for myself. I still have that mindset but now it's something more. Now I want to be better but not just for myself. I want to be better so that Ryousuke will praise me. That sounds stupid even to my ears but it's true._

_When I started, I raced to learn new things. Now I learn new things hoping to receive praise from Ryousuke. I do get it too. That's another weird thing. When I get the praise I know is coming, I feel all warm inside. It's a feeling I'm addicted to like I'm addicted to driving. I just don't know how to describe it further. It makes me feel all floaty and on top of the world. I've never felt this way before even around Mogi._

_So I drive for that heady feeling I get with Ryousuke's praises. The other reason why I drive is for Keisuke. No one really believes that I have ambition but I do. I know the importance of having a rival. Besides, Keisuke makes it so that it's hard to not get riled up. He has this air around him that makes me not want to lose to him. I can just feel the tension around him. In one way he's amazing because of how intense he is but, on the other hand, he's hard to deal with because of his wavering emotions. With him I just can't tell when he's in a bad mood or not. It's strange._

_I consider the Takahashi brothers as part of my friends. I can talk pretty easily with both of them. It's rather remarkable considering the aloof air the two carry. I didn't expect them to be so nice. But they are. At least around me and the other members of Project D. _

_Ryousuke is our leader and the brains of the entire outfit. It's easy to see how he's the number one driver in Japan. The more I learn about driving, the more astonished I am at the fact that I won against him when we raced. How could I have done that at that level? The more I learn, the stronger my thoughts are that I cannot be beaten on the slopes of Akina. That is if I hadn't been beaten by the Impreza and my father. Idiot Father. He just had to do that. Now my thinking is more along the line of I can't be beaten unless it's my father. _

_That's why I don't like driving Akina. Too unfair to the other drivers. I didn't think that way until I got an unfulfilled emotion that I won only because it was Akina. Having it sure dampened my mood. So I told Itsuki and the rest that I'd never drive it anymore and I won't… at least in an official race. I still have to do the deliveries. That idiot father of mine still thinks I need a glass of water in the car even with how good I'm doing. I don't really care, I just feel sometimes like he's still treating me like a kid._

_Ryousuke never treats me like a kid. Neither does Keisuke or the whole Project D. I sometimes feel like I'm the odd one out in that group. Kind of like I'm the flawed one in a pile of gems. Ryousuke is perfect. I use that word lightly. I'm sure even he messes up sometimes but, to the outside world, all he shows is impeccability. It's sometimes daunting. He's rich, nice, handsome… wait, did I just use the word handsome? I must really be tired._

Takumi rubbed his eyes, yawing as he did so. Yes, he was feeling the time. No wonder he was writing such weird things such as that. He thought about erasing the last line or two but skipped it in the end. No one else but him would see this journal anyway.

He yawned one last time and wrote some more.

_I think I'm starting to feel the stress of being on the team. I mean, I always have felt the stress but it never really got to me physically like it is now. I can feel the tension running through my body as if it were humming. I wonder if Keisuke is feeling the same way I am. I enjoy the battles but, with friends like mine, it's hard not to get stressed. It'd be truly horrible if I were the cause of Project D's loss. I'll have to agree with Keisuke on that one._

_It looks like I'll have to agree with Keisuke twice. He came up to me right before I had accepted the offer to be on the team. He told me he was taking the year to be under his brothers' tutelage and then he was aiming for the pros. At the time I thought 'wow, what amazing people.' After all, he already had a goal clearly stated in his mind and it was huge. I didn't have a single goal in my life. At the time, all I had was a job. I had nothing to look forward to, only my three friends to hang out with and no girlfriend. So him saying as much to me blew my mind away. I've been thinking about that ever since._

_Ever since I've been driving in Project D, I've been thinking about what I want to do with all this knowledge I get. I think I've come to the conclusion that I want to follow Keisuke's dream. I want to turn pro. I think I can do it. Actually, I think we can both do it. If we grow exponentially from how we've been doing… well we'll be a lot better. That much I can say. How much better, I'd have to go ask Ryousuke to tell me the exact numbers. He's good at that. In fact, he's good in just about everything. But that's getting off subject. I haven't told anyone about my decision because I want to savor it. I know that telling my idiot father would only get a grunt and a nod. Just like him to kill all emotions like that. If I told Keisuke, he'd get all fired up. I don't need that right now. I might tell Ryousuke but, chances are, he already knows._

_Time to wind things up. Tonight I've just had a lot going on through my head. Itsuki thinks that I never think and I'm a blockhead but I do. I'm like every semi-normal teen there is out there. After all, how could I not think? It's just all those late night runs that my father makes me do that give me the odd face that makes Itsuki think I'm not thinking. And, perhaps, it's because whenever he asks what I'm thinking, I tell him that I'm thinking of nothing. He's gotten so used to that answer that he believes that it's real. Oh well. I don't really care. It keeps him from prying too much into my thoughts._

Takumi put his pad and pen in his drawer and closed it. He flipped off the light, flopping back onto his bed. He looked at the moonlit ceiling deep in though. He wondered what tomorrow would bring. One thing was for sure, he felt better now that he got his thoughts down on paper. Perhaps tomorrow would give him some answers to his questions. Maybe. Just maybe.

He closed his eyes, instantly falling deep asleep.


	4. Dark Night, Deeper Thoughts

A/N: Finally I have come up with something I hope everyone will like. More thoughts from Ryousuke. Yay! –does happy dance- hope everyone likes.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Nope.

**Dark Night, Deeper Thoughts**

_When did I lose my heart? I've never really thought that I had one to lose. Theoretically, I know that every human being has a heart even if that human being is me. But, I never thought I had the emotion of love._

_Even from my brother I keep my feelings locked away. I fear the person that I can give my feelings to 100. That person would have to be incredibly amazing to take what I've got to offer. _

_Things happened in the past that I regret. Those regrets turned into me locking away my emotions. As a doctor in training, I know how unhealthy it is to keep those emotions bottled up. But, like drugs or smoking, it's a habit that's very hard to break once you start doing it._

_I've been down many roads. Most of them probably shouldn't have been crossed let alone gone down. My brother does not know most of them and neither will he ever find out if at all possible._

_But, there was a time when I felt all those regrets disappear. There was a moment in time where I felt the world was right. And I think it was then that I bid my heart, that I never knew I had, good-bye. Before then, I hadn't realized that I had started losing it, and then it was gone. You could imagine my utmost shock._

_That time that I felt that way was the time when I raced Fujiwara Takumi for the second time. That race was neither about winning nor losing but just being there. It was an amazing, heady feeling that I wished I could always keep._

Takahashi Ryousuke stopped his typing to clutch his chest. This was harder to write than the last one. He stared out into the darkening sky with a thoughtful expression on his face. The wind blew steadily through the trees surrounding his house.

He looked back to his laptop and resumed typing.

_There is no logical explanation for how that race went or how I felt. I suppose you could say it just was. For once in my life, I found someone worthy of driving full throttle. When I first started racing, I never knew the importance or the rarity of such people. But it took me several, several years to come in contact with one._

_That should give a small indication of how rare people like Fujiwara are. In fact, I've only met one and I never expect to meet another. My brother is close but he lacks something. I still don't have a clue about what that something is but I'm slowly learning._

_Fujiwara is the person who is able to take my driving full throttle. I've already affirmed that point through my first battle with him. The totally unexpected bonus that I learned much later was the fact that I felt, deep within my being, that Fujiwara would be the person who would be able to take my bottled emotions._

_That scares me. Much as I don't like to admit it, it scares me. That's a heavy burden for even me to bear let alone another person. But, I can't stop feeling this way. Is it love? Or is it something else? I don't know. I've never really felt 'love' for anyone, not even my brother._

_Love is a very deep feeling. I know that much. But I also know that, even though it seems bottomless, there is a bottom to the feeling. Most people never reach it so they never know but it's there. I've gone straight from the top of love to the very bottom and have never been able to feel the in between. All I know is that love is a mirage, fleeting in it's time and finicky._

_No, what I feel is something even deeper. Passion is too crud of a feeling for it to be this. What I feel is just and pure. It's so pure that sometimes I just want to cry and bask within that feeling. Obsession is too rude of a feeling. It has some negative points to it making it impure._

_So, what am I feeling? That's the question I've been asking myself for over six months. The other questions I have are just as confusing. Why am I feeling this way? Why is it with Fujiwara Takumi? What's so special about him?_

_I've never really been serious about Project D. I suppose you can say I was very selfish in creating it. The real intention never was what the other team members thought. The real reason for this project was so that I could figure out the answers to those aforementioned questions. So, summarily, I created this project totally for Fujiwara Takumi._

_I groom him, shape him, love him in a way that would be undetected by anyone but me. I groom him to become the man I see him becoming. It's so clear within my impeccable mind that I can't nearly taste it. There is my obsession that everyone sees. Not what anyone thought. My obsession is to watch Fujiwara grow and learn and become the man I see in my dreams. Thanks to this project, I can see it every week. This project has not disappointed me._

_I shape him to become the best driver. He will do what I cannot. He will conquer the world with his driving technique. I have seen this clearly as well. This is another point to the project. Everything in this area has gone according to my plan._

_I love him. This is where things get tricky. By teaching him, I am loving him. I give only one other person as much of my attention as I do Fujiwara Takumi and that is my brother, Keisuke. Love seems like an unworthy word to use because I don't know what I feel but, it will work for now. I've been very careful at directing everyone's thoughts to believe that I'm obsessed about driving. While partly true, it's not totally. I just have to find a way to be near him, talk to him, get to know him._

_I'm not proud at what I'm doing. Who would be? I'm deceiving everyone who trusts in me because I have a selfish motive._

Ryousuke turned his chair to look at his closed door. There was absolute silence in the house. Keisuke had gone to bed early with a migraine. The workers complete their jobs by five. He was the only person still up.

He sighed before turning back to his computer.

_Perhaps I'm not being totally truthful. Some of what people see is the truth. It's just that separating the truth from the lies gets complicated and confusing. Most people just take me at face value._

_That's not smart. My own brother has dubbed me a monster, rightfully so. I don't doubt him in the least. Some of the things I've done in the past are unforgivable. But, I believe I have been given a second chance._

_Perhaps my second chance started when I took my brother under my wing. Either way, I must have done something right to be shown such an amazing person such as Fujiwara._

_I want to forget the past and move on with my future. I believe the way lies with Fujiwara. He alone holds the key to my future. By accepting my offer onto the team, he has unknowingly shouldered this immense burden onto himself. My instincts tell me that his subconscious knew full well what he was accepting to and, for that, I love him all the more._

_Yes, I feel, with this person, I can achieve great things. With this person, I feel that I can finally let go to the half of my mask that I regret. With this person, I can achieve my dream and end this never ending game._

Ryousuke saved the document 'saved' and put it in his hidden folder along with his other journal. He took a moment to look at his blank screen before moving to get ready for bed.

Just before turning off the lights, he turned to look at his computer one last time and then flipped off the light.


End file.
